Tonight is Niki's wake. I am sure that place is packed with all the people who knew and loved Niki and wanted to say their final good byes. I still can't believe this has happened to such a wonderful girl. I am sitting here at home listening to the rain and it just seems so somber...it's strange how the weather can fit your mood.

I wish I could have been there tonight, but truth is I have a phobia over death. I know no one likes to deal with these situations, but for me it's different. I don't know how to explain it without sounding like a complete basket case! Basically, I don't do wake's nor funerals unless it is family and maybe my dearest friends and even that is hard for me. When things like this happen to someone I know I feel overwhelmed with anxiety. I often don't sleep well for days and I am scared that they will pop up and try to talk to me. Ok, I know how crazy this sounds but seriously this is what I go through. I have bad dreams when stuff like this happens, random dreams that at times I have woken up and thought they were real or even been crying in my sleep. I am 28 years old and I can count the number of funerals and wake's I have been to on one hand.

When I pass there will be no wake. I have already told Mark it is something I don't want. I know how I feel about things like that and I don't want anyone I care about to have to feel the need to come see me like that. I don't want people to see me after I pass. I just want to be put to rest and everyone to go on with their life.

Everyone has things that scare them. I am not scared to die, I know the Lord will take care of me. I am just scared of death...as strange and crazy as my little phobia is I hope people understand. I feel like the bad person who doesn't show up when things like this happen. In my heart I feel like Niki knew how much I thought of her and how sad I am that I will never see her again here on earth. There will be many times in the future when I will think of her or times we shared with her and I hope I can smile instead of being sad. For now it is still just sadness, but in all the sadness I know she lived while she was here. I know she was a person who had a big heart and always made people smile. Most of all I know she will be missed dearly by everyone in our community. Tomorrow she will laid in her final resting place. Please continue the prayers for her family.

Rest in peace Niki!